Feeling unprepared

As I reflect back on the past few months I pray that I am not completely screwing up my children.

I realize that I have no idea what I’m doing and I don’t know how I’ve got through the past 4 years. In my head I hear myself saying to my oldest, “You’re a big girl now” and in my heart I’m saying “Stay my little girl forever”

My daughter is growing up, and as much as I want to stop it, I am excited. I’m excited to watch her grow and understand the world. I’m of the opinion that we are rushing our children along way to fast today. Let them be kids.

One of the things I pride myself on is being able to read a room. I was a DJ for a long time and part of being able to last in the business is not only knowing your music, but being able to look around a room and see people’s reactions. My daughter has this gift. She pays very close attention to everything and everyone.

The other night she was going through her bedtime routine and my wife came downstairs knowing she wasn’t asleep, but also aware that she was wound right up. Ten minutes into our program on TV we could hear my daughter yelling for us. I went upstairs, and she asked if I could snuggle. She doesn’t like going to bed alone and in my head I’m saying “You’re a big girl now, and you need to learn how to sleep” and my heart says “Ok, only for a minute”

As I laid down beside her and she started goofing around. After a couple minutes, with a stern voice, I told her I was going back downstairs. She got upset, and promised me that she’d go to sleep. About a minute later, she says in a soft voice “Are you mad dadda?” and I told her no, and then she says “Best buddies forever?” and I replied with a lump in my throat… Forever.

It’s these moments that I wasn’t prepared for. She grabbed my hand, wrapped herself around my arm tightly, pulled herself in close and within, I’d say 2 minutes was fast asleep. I was have laid there staring at her for about 5 minutes. Its times like this that, when I sit and reflect.

I find myself doing a lot of introspecting over the past few years. Looking at myself, who I am as a man, and what I believe I deserve. There are a lot of days where I struggle with how to love, and how to be loved. When a tiny human looks at you, you know that she isn’t looking at all your faults, and all your imperfections, she is looking at  her protector, her rock, and you are perfect in her eyes. I pray every day that I can be what she sees. I pray that I will never let her down.


The Adventure continues…

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